Monday, June 27, 2011

AMERICAN HISTORY 101 with SARAH PALIN


SARAH PALIN
AMERICAN HISTORY 101
COURSE SYLLABUS

Contact Information
Phone: William Morris Agency (ask for Seth Greenburg or Rachel Kirschbaum, and tell ’em Sarah says Shalom!)
E-mail: Don’t use it—sorry hackers, go sulk in your parents’ basement. LOL!
Office Hours: By Appointment. Questions MUST be submitted in advance!

Course Time and Place
Depends on tour schedule. Classes may be held on my bus, but don’t worry—I won’t make you sit in the back like that poor Harriet Tubman.

Required Readings
Sarah Palin, Going Rogue: An American Life
Sarah Palin, America By Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag
John McCain, Faith of my Fathers…Not! LMAO!

Grading
Grading will be done on a patriotic curve. Like, if you get the second highest grade in the class, but that’s only because the person who came in first is a snooty intellectual who until recently was believed to have been born in Kenya, then I’ll give you the A you deserve for being the smartliest real American. I mean, student.

COURSE OUTLINE

Week 1 – The American Revolution
An expanded version of my recounting of Paul Revere’s historic ride…ringing bells to warn the Brits that they would not steal our arms! Were it not for him, Lincoln may have never crossed the Delaware to lead Seal Team Six in the War of 1812ish.

Week 2: The Civil War and Slavery
A discussion on how the North and South joined to fight against Africa, and how our victory allowed ships full of new “almost Americans” to come to our great shores and develop the cotton gin and blues music.

Week 3: Reconstruction
We’ll look back at how American began “reconstructing.” (Duh!) Due to his expertise, my husband Todd will join me for this class, as he just built a beautiful rec room extension onto our house.

Week 4: The Labor Movement
How teachers have historically used their unions full of Pinkerton Guards to unweave the very fabric of American life, especially in our cheese making 20th state of Madisconsin.

Week 5: Imperialism
A dissection of Comrade Obama’s first three years, and the socialist agenda he’s trying to implement based on the teachings of his hero, Zeppo Marx.

Week 6: Free Speech
I haven’t given one of these in years. ROFL! Just watch the Fox News Channel for a breath of “free”sh air! (Ailes, you’re welcome for the plug—now call me back.)

Week 7: The Great Depression
The Great Depression? You mean what I felt after discovering that my unmarried teenage daughter got knocked up while I was running on a family values platform? Hiyo—take that Tina Fey! No, seriously, we’ll talk about the stock market crash resulting from overleveraging by historical figures like Gordon Gekko.

*Note – At this point in the course, I may quit if I feel I’d be able to more effectively serve American history students from outside “the system.”

Week 8 – World War II
We shall honor the Greatestest Generation as we examine how they defeated the Nazis under the leadership of Indiana Jones. Also, I’ll share some trivia. Did you know that the Navy’s expression of, “I I Captain,” comes from the “II” in World War II? You betcha!

Week 9 – The Counterculture
I may have been only three during 1967’s turbulent summer of love, but that doesn’t mean that the lessons of that era didn’t have a tremendous impact on me. I mean, where do you think I got the idea for my trademark rimless glasses?

Week 10 – The Civil Rights Movement
What's the difference between a pit bull and a soccer mom? You can’t unleash a pack of soccer moms on an integrated group of protestors! (Before we print these make sure someone takes this out and puts in something historyographical. *SP)

Week 11 – Vietnam
I’ll explore the causes behind Vietnam’s brutal attack on Washington D.C., and we’ll review the highlights of the historic battle that took place on what is now the site of the Vietnam Memorial.

Week 12 – The Reagan Era
Free at last, free at last, um…something something something blah, blah, blah. This was the time of my political awakening. Now THAT was a head of hair! And by this lecture’s end, I believe you’ll agree with me that it was actually Ronald Reagan that killed Osama bin Laden.

Week 13 – Final Exam
In addition to the content we’ve covered in class, you should also be able to write a short essay on one of the follow three topics:
• Your favorite episodes of the smash hit TLC series, Sarah Palin’s Alaska
• Who’s more up his own ass: Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert?
• Why Katie Couric is such a b*tch! JK! (But seriously, why?)